Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
