he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
everyone is single if you try hard enough
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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