If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
