When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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