Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
