a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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