He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
