Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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