Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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