Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
