guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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