totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
