I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
