This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
