How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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