maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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