Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
