I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
