Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
