I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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