after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
