Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
3 2 1 whiskey
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
