How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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