Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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