I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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