I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
