just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
