i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
