I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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