you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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