go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
