By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
