tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I think weed is turning my hair brown
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
