this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
