She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
