Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
