Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
