Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
porn star boner night. come get it.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
