can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
