i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
