I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
