yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
