So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
