I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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