When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
