the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.