if you like me you must not know who I am
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
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I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
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Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.