"it" just moved
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
