Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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