our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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