I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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