ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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