Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
