so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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