I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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