Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
