I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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