So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
